Identity Battle: Brianna vs. Bree

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My professional identity over the years has become inextricably linked to my personal identity. I can be out with friends and overhear that someone is a veteran and all the sudden I’m asking if they’ve used their benefits to get an education. It turns out, it’s a great conversation starter and a form of bonding with strangers - “Yes! I have! It changed my life!” or “No, can you tell me more about that?” Either way the conversation goes, we’re now new friends. Or when I’m at a family BBQ and a friend of my mom's friend has a nephew whose child is starting college this year and they’re super nervous - “can I give them your number?” Yes, of course you can. That’s what I’m here for. That’s who I am. I am the one with empathy as my superpower, education as my tactic of choice, and who will always show up with my spectacles and a smile to save the day.

My friendships are almost always coworkers who I’ve become close with, and my hobbies are frequently attending and participating in events tied to my current institution - sports, conferences, performances, guest speakers, commencements, awards ceremonies, professional development opportunities - all related to my work or my students. These are the things that give me joy. I love being the face around campus that people know because they SEE me. Building that kind of presence creates trust and when a student or a staff member or a professor trusts you, they come to you to fix all of their issues - and you do it, because you’re good at your job, and love to help. That’s who I am.

My professional persona is a part of me, and I am a part of it. But, it is not the only part of me and I constantly have to remind myself that it’s okay to shift my equalizer sometimes to bring the other identities to the forefront.

Over the past two years, it has been a struggle to maintain both my professional "Brianna" (and subsequent student) persona in addition to my other "Bree" persona. I am a partner, and a daughter, and a dog mother, and a friend. I’m a road tripper, a concert-goer, a thrifter, a mountain climber, and an adventurer, a reader, and a singer, and a dancer, and a runner. I love to go camping and drink craft beers with my friends, and make jewelry and paper arts, and spend time with my family, and drink coffee late at night at diners. I like to run with my groups, and sign up for dozens of races throughout the year. These are all the Bree-side of my identity. Although I've seen this Bree here and there over the course of me attending school for my master’s, I have to say that much of it was tainted by stress and deadlines, by confusion or guilt because I was not focussing hard enough, or understanding enough. If I couldn’t stay for a student event, or put those extra hours in as a GA, or I had to miss a local conference because of some other pressing issue, I felt torn. On the flip side, I missed game nights, and birthdays, and races, and dropped out of running groups, and rarely created for leisure. I missed dinners with my partner as our opposite schedules danced around one another just out of reach...I even returned to school and work the day after getting married.

As I see the finish-line for school in sight, I’m reminded of how it feels to run a really challenging race. Sure it might be a sleeting, shushie, negative wind-chill morning, with white-out conditions and I want to give up at mile nine - but do I? Nope. Or worse yet, 80, sunny, and muggy having freshly rained, and I’m running through a hilly swamp that is so thick with mosquitoes that it looked like I had the pox by mile nine (mile nine is ALWAYS the worst). Give up? No way. In my worst and best half marathons (now up to 16, and one 18 miler) I made it to the 13 mile marker every single time and in that last .1 mile - I ran free. I gave it my all no matter how sluggish the race was, because I’d made it this far, and I’m going to thank my body, and my spirit for getting me to that finish line in a matter of moments. Right now, I’m in the final stretch of school and on the other side of that degree is knowing that I just absolutely dominated a marathon. What I may have struggled with in the middle, all the stuff I put on hold in my personal life - with my other Bree identities (like being a runner, for instance) - was all worth it because these things are all me. Work is me, and being a student is me, and being a runner whether I’m running every day or not, is me. Brianna & Bree, are the same people, always.

I’ve been in education now for an almost unbelievable 17 years. Along the way a lot of my identities have changed, and others have stayed the same. At the core, when I’ve been just a professional, and just Bree, I’ve been able to work out a really healthy balance of the two, but being a student on top of it all, threw everything out of sync. I’m incredibly proud of what I have achieved throughout my program, and wow - I’m going to have a master’s in just a few short weeks! But if I’m being honest, I’ve always been a better teacher and administrator than a student. I’m looking forward to only having to balance two acts again, and getting back to the higher ed professional that made me want to be a student again in the first place.

Cheers,

Brianna

P.S. If you followed that deep dive into my psyche - congrats, and thanks for reading!